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étourdi.

I am not comfortable in the world. Everyone is more beautiful than I, and I do not know what I am doing here.

I do not know what I am doing here, and do not know what I am good for. I can observe (and serve in doing so) but what? And why? The world is emerging around me moment by moment, arising in some ongoing unstoppable explosion, and yet it remains mute, or perhaps too crazy with the exhilaration of the effort required to forget the question.

I imagine the crazy algae-green bubble of this planet, pirouetting forward, its surface a welter of activity, a thin veil of chaos over the ordered process of its orbit, and imagine the frenetic crescendo of human creation and chatter. I imagine me, still and questioning, at the center of it, and so very out of place.

10 Comments Post a comment
  1. Hug.. You R So Welcome… !!!

    April 26, 2010
  2. Sharyn #

    Beauty is not in the face;
    beauty is a light in the heart.

    April 26, 2010
  3. DiamondLil #

    I’ve wrestled with these questions for so long (what is the point of me?) and in a society so consumed with packaging self-help of every kind designed to help people find their purpose that feeling purpose-less can sometimes also feel like being identity-less. But they are not the same, I say fiercely and loudly. They are not the same!

    April 26, 2010
  4. oh stop. I know you love people, so remind yourself that you’re one of them. You are extremely lovable (read: beautiful) even on days when you feel yucky.

    I’m sad to hear that you feel overwhelmed. Part of your job is to participate in this great gift of life! So give yourself a hug and a kiss, trust that your purpose will show itself to you in time, and enjoy the moment.

    April 28, 2010
  5. I’m very glad to see you’re writing again, and sorry you’re feeling out of place in this world where so many of us are misfits – you have to find your solidarity (and humor!) in that and in us. Sending love, and urging you to write your way through. Just write.

    May 3, 2010
  6. To foray into these ponderings is the stuff of life in itself. To engage and emanate such beautiful perceptions engenders great significance!

    May 4, 2010
  7. brede #

    Dear Siona,
    walking around through sunny, spring-time Chisinau with beautiful green lanes, with all these old small decaying houses with poor people and children playing happily in the unpaved streets, I was thinking of you and wondering how you are. Back in my hotel I decided to write a letter to you, but I found out I did not have any email address from you. So I found you on facebook. And I read your observations.
    Now I wish we could sit together and talk a little
    I will refrain from comments. But let me say 1 thing. You wonder what you are doing in this world (I will confess that very often I ask myself the same thing). It is a very significant question that shows you have the ability to learn. The millions of people who seem to be going fine and smoothly, never ask this question. Whereas in actual fact THEY should start asking that question.
    For sure something is growing in your soul.
    Hope to get in touch with you soon again
    brede

    May 8, 2010
  8. Seems like no illusions left for you. How can we perceive the absolutely unexpected? Can we perceive it?

    May 11, 2010
  9. jeff #

    hi siona. i’m glad to find your writing again. this few years of gaia and facebook – wonderful in their own ways – supplanted the joys of blog reading and writing, for me. and i missed it. so here you are, and i value your depth and incisive inquiry so much.

    at fifty two i don’t know why i’m here, and i resonate so much with your post. one astrologer said i would not find out until around now; i got excited and i began to look again in the usual places and the usual ways. now john tarrant’s slippery koans help me hang by my ankles from the rafters to get a different angle of vision.

    so i might settle into: i’m here for the same reason i’ve always been here, to watch and wait. life appears and invites my response. my best game has always been service returns, not serves. yet a yearning for clear direction remains, and there may yet be intelligence in it, so i don’t yet wish it away.

    May 12, 2010
  10. DiamondLil: Thank you, though I am so curious as to the rest of your thoughts around this! Purpose provides identity, no, and vice versa? And what answer did you come up with? Diamonds, generally, have many points….

    Crystal: I love people, yes, but it is a truism to say that the people we love most end up hurting us the most, and it is a truism to admit that there is inevitably a kernel of human hatred in human love. I mean this in the most generous and gentle of ways–they way our children and spouses inadvertently aggravate, or our parents wound–but with a certain raw desperation, too.

    Beth: It’s a stumbling start, but thank you, and thank you, and thank you.

    Steve: I would like to think so too, however indulgent and sometimes ugly it feels.

    brede: How dear to see your words here! I wish we could too, though I prefer writing to speaking; I am more shy than I care to confess. Please write any time.

    Jeff: And has your astrology proven correct? How are you? Are the usual places unveiling anything, or just more winking wryness? I do not mind waiting another twenty years and in some ways think an answer might be worse than the alternative, but your years and your views are so valuable.

    May 15, 2010

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