1. Today I was cleaning out my files.
Today I found one of my journals from years and years ago.
The first thing I’d written in it was “By love I am guided toward beauty.”
2. One of the times I’d felt most seen– one of the times which caused me the most despair– was during a reading I’d had with Paul. Paul is both a former aerospace engineer and the founder of a school of energy work that felt grounded enough in reality to allow me to get a handle on my own ¿. I was feeling suffocated by my career at the time and did not know what I was supposed to do with my life. Paul was supposedly able to “see” such things.
I asked him to read me.
“What am I intended to be doing here?”
“I can usually put people into general categories relating to their deeper motion. In your case things are different. If I were to put words to it it would be that you are here to register beauty.”
“I do not know what that means.”
“If you are put in any environment you will fixate on that which contributes the greatest beauty to the world.”
“But what am I supposed to do with that?”
“That I do not know.”
I remained a walking question mark.
3. Seven years later Angel Dust reentered my life.
4. Beauty is truth, truth beauty, –that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. — Keats, Ode on a Grecian Urn
5. Right now all I can think / breathe / speak is Mant1s and the Trilogy. It is a terrifying thing to let go into, as it requires trusting that Angel Dust will still be there on the other side.
6. I am reminded that the only thing more ecstatic than Oneness is the ongoing pulse of the binary.
Somehow none of the above conforms to my own language.
Somehow I want only to keep touching things, tenderly, until they burst.